Kathy was angry all the time.
She was angry with herself, she was angry with her teachers and handlers, she was angry with the voices of her ancestors that tried to soothe her from within, and she was angry at the presence of those persons she encountered in the cynergenic field, who were always seeking to intrude on her thoughts.
Kathy understood the things she was going through, the physical transformations of adolescence, but like much of her knowledge, her comprehension of it was abstract. It was disconnected from her actual experience.
Understanding had little power to quell the rank emotions rising within her body, the chemical miasma fuming inside her, which were the same as in any youth.
In the abstract she understood what was happening, she regularly employed the techniques her ancestors had taught her, so she could control herself and reduce the burden she placed on others.
Though she regularly did this, she did not always do it, and when the mood struck her she would lash out at the people who were closest to her.
She might invade their psyche, steal their secrets, expose their fears, and brutalize them.
She was not pleasant to be around, her proctors, teachers, and handlers always approached her with caution.
As a child Kathy was composed, especially around strangers, in public, in social settings. She carried herself with confidence and intentionality. As a small child Kathy always acted with poise and purpose. This unnerved her parents, but as she grew older they came to rely on it, believing that it was key to her safety and to theirs.
There was not a person who observed her in these settings that did not mark her affect as unusual. Most people were delighted in the strange unusually confident child.
A few, those who were more observant, they were disturbed by it.
Kathy was beset by fears, not just for herself, but for her parents as well. The poise that she exuded was just a mask. She could keep it up for hours, even days if needed, but it was a ploy to hide the raging doubt inside of her.
As she matured, when in public she became paralyzed by insecurity, she would freeze, become silent, and withdraw into herself.
Am I insane, she thought, who am I, am I alone, why am I alone, how can it be that there is no-one else like me anywhere in the world?
The answers she gleaned shook her to the core. They confirmed for her that she was, in fact, alone.
There had never been another like her.
She searched her ancestral memories for evidence of the contrary, but she could find nothing, the voices grew silent.
She searched the cynergenic field for someone who could help her, and again there was nothing, or next to nothing.
There was only a vague impression of a teacher, a priest, a shaman, a person who had guided her ancestors in the distant past, but they were not present to her now.
Kathy’s life was a series of disturbances.
Her parents did whatever they could to help her, bringing in tutors, sending her to special schools. They desperately searched for a place, an institution, a person, who could find a way to reach Kathy, to relate to her, to give some form of comfort and understanding.
Between the ages of nine and fifteen her family moved a dozen times.
The moved over and over again. They sold everything they had, and they burned through all of their savings, every last bit of their family’s money. They exhausted themselves in the search for a solution.
The only comforts they could really give her were material ones; food, water, shelter. They were unable to adjust to her intellectual and emotional demands.
Kathy knew what her parents were doing for her. She tried to cooperate, and she had good moments. Nevertheless, when she was feeling pained, or lonely, when she felt like an alien in her own world, out of frustration and deep resentment she lashed out at her teachers.
She mocked them without mercy, she ridiculed them, she alienated everyone who came in contact with her.
She had no place of belonging.
She used her gifts to reveal their greatest insecurities and she exploited them, her intentions were not to profit from them, but merely to drive them away, to protect herself and her family from their ambitions.
With every new failure at building a relationship with her teachers and proctors, Kathy grew increasingly despondent.
She felt the despair of her parents and it was magnified in her.
She listened to the voices within her, most of which beseeched her to be calm, remain strong.
She also listened to the voices that encouraged her to flee.
Kathy burned with rage. She was consumed by a hatred for the world, by self-loathing, and by the intrusive voices coming to her from the nous-sphere.
She did not find relief in the comfort of her memories.
Kathy did not want to be calm, she did not want to be strong.
Her contempt for everyone she came in contact with lit a fire deep in her belly. There was no talking it away.
She felt like an alien, she began to refer to other people as “the humans,” as if she were not one of them. She focused on every little bit of difference between her and the people she met. She allowed the power of her mind, her intellect, her knowledge to roll over people like a thresher, cutting them to pieces.
There was no therapeutic approach to help her mitigate those feelings.
She felt guilty.
In order to cope, she turned the heat and violence of her anger inward, focusing all of that energy on herself.
It gave her no relief.
She isolated herself. She took refuge in music, in movies, in books. She spurned the reflexive desire to augment her experiences by consuming media in consultation with the voices within her. She did not go to them for insight or discovery. She allowed her media habits to be filled only with the most contemporary materials.
In time Kathy learned to separate herself from her emotions. They would have killed her had she not.
The body is the servant of the mind, and as with all complicated machines it requires diagnostics and maintenance.
She discovered the methods by which she could commune with her physical form.
She listened to it.
Her body spoke to her.
She exercised it, mastering every muscle, every gland.
She gave it the attention it needed, sustenance, and nutrition, whatever her body required to be balanced.
She took control of herself and found refuge in discipline.
She found peace in meditations that took her outside of her body.
With an ability that no human being ever had before, she entered the cynergenic field, creating a distance from the structured, chemically sequenced emotions of her body.
She was guided in this by the ascended masters dwelling within her, and with those dwelling near to her in the nous-sphere.
Kathy discovered the ontological reality she shared with every living being on the planet.
She discovered that they were united, in spite of her feeling of alienation she learned to adjust to this reality.
They were one.
Understanding her essential humanity gave her a great feeling of esteem.
Kathy spent the energy of youth learning to master her thoughts and feelings, just so that she could get along in the world
She needed a place to escape.
Kathy found escape in the real world. The circle had become complete. The past, she found, could be more oppressive than the present,
She discovered the supreme distraction in the passions of her body.
In self-pleasure, and sexual coupling she was able to forget herself, forget the world around her in the uncritical-careless delights of sexual gratification.
She lost herself in the attraction she felt for beautiful people, in the present moment, in the desires that were most immediate to her senses.
She could linger for hours, in the scent and taste of a lover.
Physical love was timeless. It concentrated all her attention in the now.
The present moment was everything, she became lost in it.
Kathy found momentary peace, she found a temporary release and she found freedom in the orgasm.
The energy of a sexual climax delivered her to a place beyond space and time, removing her (temporarily) from the cynergenic field.
The world around her paused, she became weightless and all the concerns she had for herself, for others. All of the demands that the world placed on her, demands of fear, the demands of hope, all of those expectations melted away.
The universe contracted in that moment, as did her psychic connection to humanity, in that instant, she could go anywhere, be nowhere.
It was the pinnacle as if she had arrived at the peak of the human experience and stepped off into nothing.
From her first time with her first lover, to the last person she took into her bed; it was the same, she cherished those moments.
In that release there was silence, a quietude that none of her teachers could fathom, she likened it to the experience her ancestor Gottama had, while meditating under the banyan tree.
There was a temptation to remain there, to stay in that magic place, to elongate it, to leave the world forever.
She flirted with the notion, but never seriously.
Without exception, the people she brought to her bed were unnerved by the experience of watching her.
Her sexuality shook them.
Some were traumatized by it, the greater their sensitivity to psychic phenomenon, the more empathic they were, the more they struggled in that moment, there was the danger that Kathy would drag them into that space, and they would disappear.
Section Four, Kathy
Part Twenty-four, Adolescence
A Novel – In One Chapter Per Week
#Emergence #ShortFiction #365SciFi #OneChapterPerWeek
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